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Shocked and Distressed and Caught in the Past

Shocked and Distressed and Caught in the Past

Posted by: admin - March 13, 2007
Question: Dear David, I’ve recently had an experience where I was surprised and shocked by the behavior of an acquaintance. I’ve known this person for some time, but recently have seen a side that I had no idea even existed. My problem is that I can’t seem to get it out of my mind now and find myself almost obsessing about it. I’m beginning to wonder if something’s wrong with me. Shocked and Dismayed Answer: Dear SAD, First let me assure you that there’s nothing “wrong” in you thinking a great deal about your acquaintance’s recent behavior that shocked you. What you are doing is very “normal,” in that you are attempting to make some sense out of a situation that you had not previously considered as a possibility. It could also be a very healthy process as you continue to work through both the thoughts and feelings associated with the revelation. Sometimes, when we get new information that shocks us, we need time to assimilate it and “digest” it into our minds, just like at times a spicy meal takes a little longer to absorb into our bodies. Consider the word “information,” and break it down a bit; in formation. You’ve gotten brand new data and facts, which has conflicted with what you thought you knew. You are now in the process of arranging and structuring these new facts into your total knowledge base so that you can make sense out of it, and perhaps even use it. Many times, we can learn vicariously through the actions and behavior (or misbehavior) of others. Try to stay away from taking any position of judgment toward your acquaintance, because we can’t know fully all that led to any other person’s behaviors. Continue to concentrate on yourself and the process as you move toward a point where you can think about the event without becoming overwhelmed with negative thoughts and emotions, but instead acknowledging that the event(s) happened and is a part of my growth and continued learning. Hope this helps. Question: Dear David, Three years ago I dated an amazing guy for several months who was kind, loving, faithful and respectful. Yet, for some reason I backed off and just dumped him. Last year, he called to wish me a happy birthday, but I'm married now and have a 6-month-old baby. I cry all the time lately thinking about him. I know if I'd stayed with him, my life would've been much different. I need to move on with my life and leave him in my past, but I can't because I want to be with him again. CAUGHT in the PAST Answer: Dear Caught, You aren’t caught in the past; you’re having difficulty in the present. Adjusting to the many changes of marriage and a baby isn’t extremely romantic, but it can be one of the greatest realities a person can experience in life, once you decide to embrace it as the wonderful gift that it is. Look at the words you’re using; I can’t. Henry Ford said “whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” Daydreaming about the past can only leave you wallowing in self-pity, and turning to fantasy instead of dealing in present reality. Use your energy to take action to make a better life for your family and especially your child. The past is not a real place, you can’t change a thing there, but the present is real and where you can make change and take action.
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